Although the holidays are filled with the usual amount of preparation stress, for some people holiday stress means an added layer of anxiety. A simple Google search will tell you that abuse (any and all forms) usually spike during the Christmas & New Year celebrations.
But some of you may wonder, “But Christmas is all about Peace on Earth & Goodwill Toward Man…why would abuse happen around the most cozy holiday during the year?”
Abuse is not that simple. For the people who want to maintain control over their victim(s) at all times and at all costs, the holidays are the perfect time to maintain their dominance. For those who have children, you are well aware that stress can bring out the worst in your kids, and abusers are not exempt; Between holiday planning, stress over the finances, increased alcohol intake and kids having time off from school, all of these factors can (and usually do) contribute to the uptick in abusive behavior.
HOLIDAY PLANS
In an abusive relationship, the abuser will usually dictate where/how the holiday will be celebrated, including whose family they will spend time with, who will make the dinner (usually without their help), etc.
HOLIDAY CASH
Money is a HUGE factor in holiday-related abuse. Most abusers will have control over the finances, and will dictate how much their spouse/significant other is allowed to spend not just during the holidays, but also in their day-to-day spending. When prices are higher than expected, or the victim makes an unauthorized purchase, this usually sparks (at the very least) an argument…which could lead to physical blows, tighter financial control and more.
HOLIDAY ALCOHOL
We are all familiar with having an extra drink around the holidays, but for some people, this brings out less-than-desirable behavior, including abusive behavior. According to Healthline.com, alcohol affects how your brain functions. It’s a central nervous system (CNS) depressant, which impairs your natural ability to perform cognitive functions like forming memories, making decisions, and or regulating emotions and urges.
How to Handle the Situation
All of the above factors go into decision making for perpetual victims of abuse. While we may not be able to give advice specific to your personal situation here in this article, we can give some basics to surviving an abusive holiday atmosphere.
Abusive Relative, Friend or Co-Worker
If you do not live with the person perpetrating the abuse, it is far easier to avoid any altercations than living with an abuser. If this particular person is invited to the same event you have been invited to, you can do any of the following…
- Stay in a group ~ Abusers are less likely to act badly when there are witnesses present.
- Stay vigilant ~ While some abuse can be physical/in your face/obnoxious, some abuse can happen quietly; They may try to emotionally manipulate you, gaslight you, underhand-criticize you, give you a guilt trip(s), or give you the silent treatment (which can be a good thing!)
- Keep an eye on your food/drinks ~ Holiday parties can be the perfect opportunity for abusers to slip poison into drinks/dishes without being detected. This may include a wide range of substances from illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol into “virgin” drinks, various chemicals and many more. Keep your food and drinks in your possession at all times whether you suspect the abuser may try to poison you or not. Even if they may not, you can never be TOO cautious.
- Do not attend the event ~ Yes, you have our permission to NOT attend an event where an abusive family member or friend will be attending. Although other people may be there, if you feel like you are not able to attend (due to either your emotional or physical safety), you do not have to attend. This may send a message to unbelieving friends/family who do not understand abuse.
Abusive Spouse/Partner
If you have a difficult spouse or significant other, it may be hard to get through the holiday season without at least one altercation. Here are some helpful tips you may be able to apply to your relationship during this stressful time…
- Use Logic ~ Abusive people have a hard time arguing with good, solid reasoning. If they are trying to dictate where/how the holidays are to be celebrated, try gently reasoning with them. It may be that you have a better plan, but just make sure you have enough facts to back your argument. In addition, make sure that they benefit from your plan in some way. Most abusers have an ego issue, so if you can appeal to them in that respect, that can be a useful tool for you.
- Keep the receipts ~ If you have trouble explaining why you paid more than you and your abusive partner agreed to, keep and show them the receipts. This is another form of the above tip in that they cannot argue with the fact of the real price of something.
- Shop with them ~ Usually in abusive relationships, the victim is tasked with all/most of the holiday shopping. But this can lead to arguments about “why did you spend so much?” and “you don’t know how to shop”. Suggest that they go with you which may open their eyes as to why living solely by THEIR rules does not always work.
- Spend the holiday apart ~ If a particular relationship is causing you too much stress, anxiety or physical pain, this upcoming holiday season may be the catalyst you need to have the courage to leave, even temporarily. This can act as a warning to the abusive partner that you still have a say in the relationship and you have a mind of your own. This may be the perfect test to see how valuable you are to them: If they respect your space, this could be a good sign; A healthy relationship has mutual respect. But if they will not allow a separate holiday celebration, you may have to start considering whether or not this a relationship you should continue to play a part in.
NOTE: This article applies to ALL holidays, including Jewish, Muslim or secular holidays or any special day marked on your calendar.
We hope this article is able to help you through this holiday season. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us via email: Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today.
