Explaining abuse to someone who has not gone through it is difficult at best. For those people who have been blessed in NOT experiencing abuse, we at No Longer A Victim both celebrate that fact and are concerned about it at the same time…we are happy because we always wish that NO ONE experiences abuse, but at the same time, abuse is SO prevalent to the point that everyone SHOULD be aware of all aspects of abuse. And honestly, the easiest way to completely and utterly understand abuse is to go through that situation yourself.
If someone has not experienced an abusive situation, there are ways to explain to them so that they understand the full weight of the situation, the emotional effects on the victim, how the victim’s life changes and more.
Do You Know What Terror Is?
LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT is one of the primary shows that deals with many, many different types of abuse.
NOTE: While we highly recommend Special Victims Unit to help victims learn about abuse, we also suggest victims of domestic violence use caution when watching the show, given that it can trigger past traumas.
In one particular episode of season 20, Detective Olivia Benson perfectly explains how abuse feels to the victim, especially non-physical abuse such as intimidation, male privilege, threats, minimization of the victim and isolation which may all be used to wear down a victim to the point of achieving total power and control on the abuser’s part. In the scene, Olivia explains these phenomena to fellow Detective Amanda Rollins, who has not been through an abusive situation. Coming from a naive frame of mind, Amanda seems to side with the (now dead) abuser they are discussing, but since Amanda has not experienced trauma, she (and people in general) tend to give the benefit of the doubt to the entire situation and may not consider what the victim of the abuse was going through at that time. While similar situations may seem sticky to an outsider, this scene from Special Victims Unit really cuts through and clarifies a domestic violence victim’s state of mind.
How to Explain Trauma
The easiest way to explain trauma and abuse to an outsider/friend would be to have them read as many books and articles as possible on the topic (NOTE: Please feel free to read any/all of the articles on our website). Additionally, you may want to visit a domestic abuse shelter to ask them questions. We (along with any victims of abuse) can tell you that abuse can go much deeper than that….
Abuse is when the victim is made to feel less than someone else.
Abuse is being intimidated to the point of living in constant fear of the other person.
Abuse means the victim is constantly being manipulated.
Abuse is making the victim feel powerless.
Abuse means the victim is feeling constantly afraid.
For outsiders, experiencing abuse may be hard to fathom. While most people get a thrill out of watching horror films that feature torture, horror and other traumatic scenes which causes a physical exhilaration in the audience, victims of abuse can barely tolerate watching such films and usually avoid them.
While non-victims can watch a movie like that and then go back to their normal life after the credits roll, for victims of domestic violence, the kind of fear produced by these movies is the kind of fear which stays constant in their life as they are dealing with their abuser. Victims very often have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression and do not relish the thought of watching a film focused on misery and torment since the feelings produced by these films is how victims of abuse feel much (if not all) of the time.
What the Victim Wants the Friend to Know
If you know a victim of abuse who is seeking you out, our MOST IMPORTANT suggestion is to just listen to them. While they may not be able to articulate how they feel, may not be able to give the exact details of their situation, or what their plan is (either to stay or leave their relationship), the most important thing they need is someone who will listen to them. They do not want someone to fix their problem, tell them to go to a therapist, or give the abuser the benefit of the doubt.
Do not abandon them! More often than not, the tendency for friends of a victim of abuse is to not speak to them or avoid getting involved in the situation. While we understand that the situation seems difficult from the outside, the victim will appreciate you now more than ever if you try to help them through what they are going through. This we know from first-hand experience.
In all likelihood, their abusive relationship is with their primary romantic relationship and if the relationship is not going well, they will be turning to anyone else in their life that they feel they can lean on and trust. So, if they are telling you about the abuse they are going through, just listen to them, be the shoulder to cry on, be the strength they are looking for and do not try to fix anything. Just let them talk and be there for them. Be strong for them, because they need it now more than ever. While you may not understand the situation your friend is going through, you can be their stronghold when they need you the most.
This article was written by various team members of the No Longer A Victim staff. This may or may not include former victims who choose to remain anonymous, but still wish to share their story so that others can learn from their experiences.
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