Ahhh…the most romantic day of the year (according to the flower and chocolate industries, anyway): Valentine’s Day. You may not think that the sweetest day of the year is linked to abuse, but it is…and in a surprising way.
While most abuse happens on high-profile dates/events (such as anniversaries, birthdays, certain holidays, etc.), Valentine’s Day seems to be (partly) the exception; Depending on the type/status of the abusive relationship, abuse can either dramatically INCREASE or DECREASE on Valentine’s Day.
INCREASED ABUSE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
One reason abuse escalates on Valentine’s Day is because, for some, February 14th can magnify the darker side of the relationship, highlighting power imbalances, unresolved tensions or even abusive behaviors.
While the victim may try to celebrate the romantic holiday, the abuser will be more than likely to pick a fight or choose that day to punish their victim (if the day is important to the victim) so they cannot enjoy the day. The abuser may also purposely choose to ruin the day so they do not have spend money on “unnecessary items” like flowers, chocolates or a romantic getaway. Romantic expectations can intensify underlying tensions, potentially leading to a verbal or physical altercation. Domestic violence is a complex issue rooted in control, power, and longstanding behavioral patterns with dangerous repercussions for victims.
Alcohol can also be a factor with abuse on Valentine’s Day. We are all familiar with having an extra drink around the holidays, but for some people, this brings out less-than-desirable behavior, including abusive behavior. According to Healthline.com, alcohol affects how your brain functions.
Alcohol is a central nervous system (CNS) depressant, which impairs your natural ability to perform cognitive functions like forming memories, making decisions, and/or regulating emotions and urges. And with that self-control lost/lessened, abusers are more likely to behave badly and/or violently.
DECREASED ABUSE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
One positive thing about abuse is that Valentine’s Day may be the victim’s one day in the year for a reprieve from abuse. Certain abusers will use February 14th to love-bomb their victim in order to ensure they remain close to their victim. To learn about love bombing, read another of our articles entitled, “What is Love Bombing?“
While love bombing is used by abusers to ensure they do not lose control over their victim(s), Valentine’s Day is also the perfect opportunity for the abuser to keep up their reputation to outsiders that they are the “perfect husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend”. They will inevitably shower you with gifts, flowers, chocolates, a romantic getaway, take you on a date, etc. To learn more about abusers’ obsession with their reputation, read our article, “Reputation: The Gold Standard for Abusers“.
The upside for certain victims of abuse is that select abusers will use Valentine’s Day in order to bolster their image to others, in their mind killing two birds with one stone: Being able to manipulate their victim into continuing with the relationship in addition to being able to brag to their friends/family about how great they are as a partner.
This love bombing is also part of the Honeymoon Phase in the Cycle of Violence. One of the main reasons victims stay with their abuser is that once the abuser gives them romance, grand gestures, flowers and such, the victim wants to believe that the abuser has changed, which gives themselves an excuse to stay in the relationship.
The dangerous part about love bombing and the Honeymoon Phase is that it is usually part of a larger Cycle of Violence, and almost always leads back to old patterns.
HOW TO STAY SAFE ON VALENTINE’S DAY
If you are in a relationship that leads to abuse on Valentine’s Day, do not be afraid to call a friend, the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or email us with questions at Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today. We know it is not easy to make decisions or know where to go next, but we are here to help you. š
If you are in a relationship with someone who love-bombs you on Valentine’s Day, you might want to plan February 14th to be your opportunity to leave the relationship. While it may be scary (and even counterintuitive) to leave on a day your abuser will treat you nicely, this is a very smart move; The abuser will definitely not be expecting you to leave (which is the BEST time to do so!) and you will be able to protect yourself when the abuser was not prepared to “keep hold of their property”.
If you or someone you know is looking for advice about their abusive relationship, email us at Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today or call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
This article was written by various team members of the No Longer A Victim staff. This may or may not include former victims who choose to remain anonymous, but still wish to share their story so that others can learn from their experiences.
If you wish to stay updated on No Longer A Victim article publications, send us an email and we will add you to the list: Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today
