While the term may sound appealing, “Love bombing” is a form of emotional and psychological abuse in which the abuser goes above and beyond for their victim in order to either manipulate them into a relationship or butter them up to make the victim do what they want them to. Love bombing looks different for every person who uses it, but it usually involves some form of:
- Excessive flattery and praise.
- Over-communication of their feelings for you.
- Overwhelm you with unneeded/unwanted gifts.
- Premature and intense talks about your future together.
Who Uses Love Bombing?
While love bombing is usually seen in romantic relationships, your family members, friends and even coworkers can love bomb you, too. Love bombing is employed when someone wants to become REALLY emotionally close to you REALLY quickly, and usually has an ulterior motive for their personal gain. This can include manipulating you into a specific type of close relationship, become close to you in order to get information from you, have power over you, get you to do something for them, etc.
When is Love Bombing Used?
There are two phases in the relationship when love bombing is most commonly used…
- Beginning of the relationship
- After/during a fight
- When they want you to do something
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, things can be very exciting….until one red flag pops up: Love bombing. When one party seems overly anxious to take the relationship to the next level (and too quickly for your pace) and/or gives you gifts & compliments you constantly, this is love bombing. Even if they may think they have good intentions, it is also a HUGE warning sign of a potential abuser. The reason for this is because they know they can easily manipulate people with grand gestures, and once the victim has fallen prey to that type of behavior, the abuser now has control over that person.
Love Bombing in an abusive relationship usually takes place in the Honeymoon/Make-up phase of the Cycle of Violence, and is usually how a romantically-abusive relationship begins. It also occurs after a fight, physical confrontation or domestic violence incident, usually to win back the victim so that the abuser does not end up alone.
“Yeah, he hit me and we argued, but he apologized afterwards, gave me flowers and took me out to dinner.” If this sentence sounds familiar to you, you have probably been the target of love bombing. One telltale sign of love bombing you can look for is the way the abuser apologizes. Here are some types of apologies you may hear after a fight (physical or argument)…
- “I’m sorry we had a fight.”
- “I’m so sorry…but I don’t understand what I did/said wrong”
- “I was just kidding.”
- “I was just trying to help.”
- “I was just playing devil’s advocate.”
- “I’m sorry, but…
- “I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.”
- “I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.”
- “I am sorry, but maybe you’re just too sensitive.”
Even if the abuser brings you flowers or jewelry….if it comes with one of the apologies listed above, you can guarantee you are being love-bombed. Do not take this lightly. They are trying to cover up their bad (or even violent) behavior without taking responsibility for those actions. This shows a lack of empathy (the ability to understand and share the feelings of another), which can have disastrous consequences down the road…if it has not already. The reason you need to be cautious is because if someone lacks empathy, they are more willing to treat you badly (again), physically/sexually abuse you….or worse.
WHY DO ABUSERS USE LOVE BOMBING?
The reason abusers in a romantic relationship manipulate their victims with love bombing is because they do not understand what a healthy relationship and love looks like. In all likelihood, they never had a good example of what true love really looks like while they were growing up, so they do not know how to connect with a romantic partner in a healthy way. However, they do know that imitating a romantic scene in a movie (as one example) is the perfect way to capture the heart of their victim. While they may not understand how love works, they will work hard to make a connection with you (but in an unhealthy way) so that the abuser can ensure that they will not end up alone.
How to Avoid Love Bombing
The easiest way to avoid love bombing is to be aware of the warning signs we discussed above, and also to seek out healthy relationships. While it is normal to make up after a fight, an abuser will usually make unnecessary grand gestures to ABSOLUTELY make sure that the victim does not leave them. This is an abuser’s biggest insecurity and they will usually go to extreme lengths to make sure that does not happen.
However, there are ways to have a fight with your partner, friend or co-worker and still be able to resolve your differences without either of you employing love bombing. Look and form relationships with someone who…
- Gives sincere apologies that sound like: “I’m so sorry for how I treated you/what I said/what I did. I won’t do it again.” …and then they do not do it again
- Is willing to change their bad habits/attitude
- Is sincerely interested in bonding with you without strings attached
- Likes you for you and does not try to change you
- Respects your wishes/requests
And even if you are not able to find someone who possesses these qualities, it is ok to be alone and safe rather than with someone who manipulates and treats you badly.
If you or someone you know is looking for advice about their relationship, email us at Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today or call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
This article was written by various team members of the No Longer A Victim staff. This may or may not include former victims who choose to remain anonymous, but still wish to share their story so that others can learn from their experiences.
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