Reputation: The Gold Standard for Abusers

reputation: noun

a: overall quality or character as seen or judged by people in general

b: recognition by other people of some characteristic or ability…”has the reputation of being clever”

2a place in public esteem or regard good name…”trying to protect his reputation

Sadly though, the energy they put toward maintaining that “perfect” image is rarely focused on their immediate family in private. An abuser will very often “collect” a spouse and kids to help create the perfect image, and then only display their affection to their family publicly in front of outsiders they wish to impress with their “perfect family”.

To be sure, a healthy relationship will have both parties treating each other the SAME WAY all the time, publicly AND privately. A relationship that has one person treating the other(s) as object(s), arm candy or as an accessory to present themselves as the “doting husband”, “caring wife” or “loving father” is definitely considered Parasitic.

Another description of Parasitism can be described as “a non-mutualistic form of symbiosis, occurring when one of the organisms benefits at the expense of the other.”*

…”benefits at the expense of the other”…

Abuse is all about asserting power and control over another person, and what better way to do that than using the victim as a tool to promote the abuser’s “perfect” image? This is a parasitically exploitative relationship (AKA, Reputational Abuse) and should be treated as such. Here are some examples and signs of an exploitive relationship as it relates to Reputational Abuse…

The abuser will…

  • Be very possessive of their victim, continually saying phrases like, “MY wife”, “MY kids” and “MY money”
  • Treat their victim well in public, but not in private
  • Praise the victim(s) in public (but not in private) to make themselves look like a supportive person to outsiders
  • Insist the victim only wears clothing that THEY approve of in public (so their reputation is not diminished in their own eyes)
  • Insist that the victim act a certain way in public
  • Make sure that public displays of affection SKYROCKET when other people are watching (so others can see just how “great and perfect” their life is)
  • Keep the attention on themselves constantly
  • Often highly praise the victim in public and then later put them down in private
  • Stays continually focused on their own interests
  • Make public announcements (on social media, public signs, etc.) of their devotion, care or love for their victim, when in reality they do not treat them with that much attention privately
  • Will declare their love & devotion publicly about a family member/former victim that will not talk to them anymore, making themselves out to be the victim by giving the impression that they are extending the olive branch, without actually putting forth the effort to the victim personally.

A strong example of Reputational Abuse occurs about once a year for one of our staff members. Every year around her birthday, her former abuser will display a happy birthday message to her on his automated business sign (Note: Our staff member’s name has been removed from the sign for her protection)…

This is a perfect example of Reputational Abuse: Although this particular team member of ours and her former abuser have no current association with each other due to the perpetrator’s past controlling & abusive behavior, he will still make public declarations of his (supposed) love for her. In reality, he had barely wanted to hug her during the last year of their relationship, was only interested in her financial status (even stole money from her) and did not focus on developing a healthy relationship with her. Although we can see what he is trying to do (by making himself appear to be the caring and loving dad), we are in NO way approving of this behavior toward our team member.

What Reputational Abuse boils down to is that the perpetrator of this type of abuse does not want to be seen as a “bad guy”, so they tend to ALWAYS make sure they are perceived by strangers as the “good guy.” But what these abusers do not seem to understand is that if they treated people (especially their immediate family and close friends) properly in the first place, they would not need to worry about how they are being perceived by others.

If you or someone you know is looking for advice about their abusive relationship, email us at Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today or call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

*Description provided by Symbiosis – Definition, Types and Examples | Biology Dictionary