One resource that is commonly used by Domestic Violence (DV) advocates is the “Cycle of Abuse” diagram, which is also known as the “Cycle of Violence” diagram. It was developed by psychologist Lenore Walker in 1979. This idea was detailed in her book, “The Battered Woman.” In this cycle, there are four phases which rotate in an abusive relationship which are as follows:
- Honeymoon Phase
- Calm Phase
- Tension-Building Phase
- Violence Phase
If there is an abusive person in a particular relationship of yours, just pay attention to the “Cycle of Abuse” graphic and you should be able to predict what will happen next and then further, determine if you are in an abusive relationship or not.
NOTE: While this cycle usually applies to romantic relationships, it can also apply to family, friends & coworkers. In this second of four articles, we focus on the CALM PHASE.
Definition of The Calm Phase
The Calm Phase occurs after the Honeymoon Phase, during which the two people in the relationship maintain a status quo without much tension. This stage is when things feel (at least somewhat) normal for the victim of the abuse, and typically having an emphasis on reconnecting is usually implemented in the relationship. As the Honeymoon Phase tapers off into the Calm Phase, the abusive partner/friend/family member/co-worker may continue to be attentive and act positive about the relationship; However, you might notice a shift from them being apologetic (common during the Honeymoon Phase and may continue into the Calm Phase) to now excusing their actions.
During the calm stage, the abuser may try to minimize the incident (which occurred during the Violence Phase). You may notice the abuser…
- Shifts responsibility for the abuse (“I’m sorry, but it’s all because of so-and-so.”)
- Justifies their behavior (“If the garbage man didn’t do that, I wouldn’t get so angry.”)
- Gaslights you (“It really wasn’t that big of a deal.”)
This stage can feel confusing. Your partner had seemed to want to make things right during this phase, but there is now an underlying tone of dismissal that you just cannot put your finger on.
After a while, you may start experiencing tension again, as the cycle of abuse starts once more.
The Hard Part of the Calm Phase
The most difficult part of being in the calm phase is when the victim starts to analyze the situation…
“Was he really that bad? Maybe I’m misremembering.” “I didn’t think the incident (during the Violence Phase) was my fault, even though he is telling me that now…” “He’s such a sweet guy…I guess he just had a bad day when that incident occurred!”
If you (as the victim) find yourself agreeing with the above statements and/or someone is placing the blame on you (when YOU KNOW for SURE that it was NOT your fault)…you are probably in a cycle of violence. Yes, we all sometimes have issues recalling details during events, incidents or fights, but if you are the ONLY ONE that is supposedly causing all of the problems in the relationship (according to the abusive person), they are not willing to accept responsibility for anything they do. If someone is willing to keep blaming all of their problems on other people/situations, they are selfish and are probably not willing to change their frame of mind and will continue to make YOU their problem.
Abusers are ALWAYS looking for the scapegoat because (in their mind) they are NEVER wrong about ANYTHING! They never want to admit fault, so they will blame anything and everything on ANYTHING and ANYONE they can to make themselves feel better.
This act of scapegoating always starts to rear its ugly head during the Calm Phase in the Cycle of Abuse. Be aware and do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK! Do not tell yourself you are always wrong, because in reality you are probably right about some things at a minimum.
A Note About Self Confidence…
Learning how to be confident in an abusive relationship is not an easy thing to do…Abusers always take advantage of someone’s low self-esteem, since that is the easiest way to control their victim(s).
When an abuser sees their victim getting more confident, they get nervous because they believe they are losing control. But remember: YOU are the only boss of YOU. Do not let anyone control you, your thoughts or your actions.
If you start to fight back confidently against your abuser and they fight back harder instead of listening to you as a mature adult, you are in a Cycle of Abuse with them.
SHOULD I LEAVE?
If you are considering leaving your current relationship, probably the safest time to leave an abusive relationship is during the Calm Phase of the Cycle of Abuse. The reason for this is because your abuser will be more relaxed and confident post-Honeymoon Phase that you will not leave “since they already apologized” and “have made everything ok again”. The best thing to do when leaving an abusive individual is to catch them off guard and the easiest time to do so is when they are not expecting a change in their circumstances/surroundings. Use their comfort against them and protect yourself as best you can.
What Should I Do if I’m in a Cycle of Abuse?
If you now recognize that you (or someone you may know) are/is in an abusive relationship as a result of paying attention to the Cycle of Abuse, the best thing you can do is to reach out to either someone you trust or a domestic violence advocate and they will help you figure out your safest course of action. Depending on the situation, (whether it is a romantic, familial or workplace relationship), you may have to consider discussing the issue with the person causing the problem(s), taking some time apart from that person or leaving the relationship.
While we may not know the details of your particular circumstance, we are more than happy to help you. Feel free to email us at Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today with any questions you may have.
This article was written by various team members of the No Longer A Victim staff. This may or may not include former victims who choose to remain anonymous, but still wish to share their story so that others can learn from their experiences.
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