One thing victims of domestic violence struggle with is (if they have or have had an abusive parent) is whether or not they will inherit those same tendencies.
We all inherit tendencies (both good and bad) from our parents. It is basic biology. Some of us inherit our mother’s music talent while other people inherit their father’s smile & dimples. But if you start to notice you’re exhibiting the same abusive & controlling behaviours as your abusive parent, it can be the scariest feeling you may ever have.
If you grew up in an abusive atmosphere, you understand how scary abusers can become and as victims of that violence (including physical, emotional, psychological, etc.) we understand the level of pain they are inflicting, even if the abuser doesn’t recognize it or is not even there anymore.
As victims, we more easily understand the effects of abuse and the level of damage it inflicts on others than the abuser does. So when we as victims do our best to go through life without hurting anyone else (because we know how it feels and do not want to become the same kind of monster as their abuser), we get scared when inherited abusive tendencies start to surface in our life.
How Do We Inherit Abusive Tendencies?
- Childhood trauma: Growing up in an abusive environment can shape our emotional responses, attachment styles and coping mechanisms, sometimes leading to learned patterns of control or harm toward others.
- Generational Abuse: Children often imitate the behaviors they observe in caregivers or authority figures, especially if those behaviors are normalized. As a result, some children take those “successful” ways & methods of controlling other people into their adolescent and adult life.
- Biological and psychological factors: Some people have traits like low empathy, poor impulse control or heightened reactivity to stress, which can make them more prone to abusive reactions against others.
- Triggers: Past trauma can be reactivated by certain situations—such as criticism, perceived rejection or perceived threats—which may prompt abusive & negative emotional responses.
Am I an Abuser?
If you feel like you are starting to become an abuser and are scared of yourself as a result, there is one simple question you can ask yourself to fix the problem…
“Am I repulsed by it?”
While it may seem like too simple of a question, it strips away everything and gets to the core issue: If you are repulsed by a particular behaviour and are wondering if you will become as bad (or worse) than your abuser, then it means you truly are NOT an abuser. But if you enjoy putting down others, making them feel smaller than you and genuinely enjoy one-upping people, THEN you are an abuser. Watch the clip below from Law and Order SVU Season 18 EP: 13 “Genes” as a guide.
When you recognize certain behaviours in your life that you are repulsed by, you CAN make the simple choice to NOT DO THAT ANYMORE!! We have the power to control ALL of our ACTIONS, WORDS and THOUGHTS. Some days the fight against those tendencies will be harder than others, but the harder you work against it, the easier it will be to become the person you want to be, and not the person you just think you are.
HOW CAN I GET BETTER?
All it takes is a single decision. If you find yourself about to say something you KNOW you will regret later, DO NOT SAY IT. If you find yourself thinking about something or someone that leads to bad actions or thoughts against that person, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT and think about something else instead. While it may seem daunting in the moment, YOU ARE able to overcome any bad tendency or habit. Even if you have done something that you regret from your past, that does not mean you will do it again. The very fact that you recognize it was wrong now is all the evidence you need to know it will not happen again. Take it one step at a time and focus on…
- Things that bring joy to both you and others around you
- Building up people and not tearing them down
- Keep yourself and others encouraged
- Give encouragement and NOT criticism
- Keeping yourself distracted from the bad thought patterns by focusing on the good
- Staying positive!
This article was written by various team members of the No Longer A Victim staff. This may or may not include former victims who choose to remain anonymous, but still wish to share their story so that others can learn from their experiences.
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