Tension-Building Phase of the Cycle of Abuse ~ Part 3 of 4

One resource that is commonly used by Domestic Violence (DV) advocates is the “Cycle of Abuse” diagram, which is also known as the “Cycle of Violence” diagram. It was developed by psychologist Lenore Walker in 1979. This idea was detailed in her book, “The Battered Woman.” In this cycle, there are four phases which rotate in an abusive relationship which are as follows:

1. Honeymoon Phase
2. Calm Phase
3. Tension-Building Phase
4. Violence Phase

If there is an abusive person in a particular relationship of yours, just pay attention to the “Cycle of Abuse” graphic and you should be able to predict what will happen next and then further, determine if you are in an abusive relationship or not.

NOTE: While this cycle usually applies to romantic relationships, it can also apply to family, friends & coworkers. In this third of four articles, we focus on the Tension-Building PHASE.

Definition of the Tension-Building Phase

The abuser, often struggling with unprocessed emotions, starts to feel increasing frustration. This frustration may stem from work stress, financial difficulties, household responsibilities, emotional turmoil or other everyday challenges. However, rather than addressing these emotions in a healthy way—such as resolving the core issue (talking things through with the correct people in a positive & constructive manner and/or dealing with past trauma causing their current turmoil)—the abuser internalizes and becomes more irritable, withdrawn and/or moody. Other symptoms of this phase include…

• Stressors such as financial problems, work stress, household disagreements, family issues, unresolved past traumas or interpersonal conflicts with others can trigger the buildup 
• Emotional changes ~ The abusive or controlling partner may become more easily frustrated, short-tempered, increasingly irritable, withdrawn, emotional or moody 
• Strained communication – Conversations may become awkward, filled with silence, or full of unspoken tension
• Rising criticism or blame – Small issues may be magnified, and partners may start focusing on each other’s flaws or mistakes 
• Avoidance of conflict – Instead of addressing issues, partners may avoid talking about problems, leading to misunderstandings and false assumptions. They may suppress emotions instead of addressing them healthily, leading to internalized frustration which victims feel helpless against.
• Strained communication ~ Communication may become strained, with the abuser using subtle manipulative behaviors like name-calling, sarcasm, or withdrawal 
• Heightened stress and anxiety – The relationship atmosphere can feel tense, with both partners feeling like they are “walking on eggshells” 
• Withdrawal or emotional distance ~ One or both partners may pull back from affection, intimacy, or meaningful conversations, creating a sense of unease

WHICH RELATIONSHIPS ARE AFFECTED BY THIS STAGE?

Any relationship can be affected by the Tension-Building Phase, including….

• Romantic Relationships
• Workplace Relationships
• Familial Relationships

The perceived “bonus” of the Tension-Building Phase for abusers is that they feel they can mistreat anyone, especially passively aggressive. According to Merriam-Webster, the very definition of the word “tension” is:

a: inner striving, unrest, or imbalance often with physiological indication of emotion

b: a state of latent hostility or opposition between individuals or groups

Abusers often rely on passive-aggressive techniques against others to make themselves feel better. The main way abusers feel better is to tear others down emotionally or physically, thus perceiving themselves as “better” and/or “stronger” than the other person, giving themselves a hollow sense of satisfaction. And since passive abusive behavior is one of the easiest ways someone can mistreat others without being accused of anything specific, more relationships in the abuser’s life will be affected during this stage of the Cycle of Abuse than just their romantic partner or other close relationships.

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THE TENSION-BUILDING PHASE FOR VICTIMS

One of the most difficult things for victims of abuse to deal with is the fact that almost no one outside the relationship can see their abuser’s behavior. But the Tension-Building Phase is one of the best times to show outsiders what the abuser’s behavior is actually like in private (since the abuser usually has a hard time controlling their words, actions & moods when in this phase, and very often lash out at more people than just their primary relationship).

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I’M IN THE TENSION-BUILDING PHASE?

The first step to identifying abuse is to have witnesses to the behavior. Your partner/co-worker/family member/friend may just be going through a difficult period in their life and may not understand how to communicate & deal with their issues in a healthy way. There are several steps to determine if you are truly in the Tension-Building Phase, starting with…

• IS THERE A PATTERN? The Cycle of Abuse has 4 distinct stages, including The Honeymoon phase, The Calm Phase, The Tension-Building Phase, and the Explosive Phase. You can read about each of these stages on our website by clicking these links…

• We all have bad days and sometimes take it out on the people around us without thinking about their feelings. But when you are in a relationship with someone who continually puts you through this Cycle of Abuse without changing their behavior, you are more than likely in the Tension-Building Phase and therefore an abusive cycle.

• GET WITNESSES ~ Having someone else witness your abuser’s bad behavior is easiest during the Tension-Building Phase since they have not quite entered into the Explosive Phase. This can offer your friends/family/co-workers who are worried about you a chance to see that your abuser does not treat you correctly, and are therefore more likely to believe he/she can be even more violent behind closed doors

• TIME TO LEAVE? While we cannot give a definite answer to your particular circumstance, we do NOT recommend leaving your situation during the Tension-Building Phase. Typically abusers are on higher alert as far as keeping their victims under tighter restrictions and are primed to enter the Explosive Phase at any time. The Explosive Phase usually includes episodes of anger, rage and even physical violence. The best time to leave a dangerous situation is when the abuser is less likely to expect their victim to leave them, which is during the Calm Phase. To learn more about how to safely leave an abusive relationship during the Calm Phase, read our article about The Calm Phase linked above.

• Stay aware and set boundaries ~ If possible, avoid situations or conversations that trigger the abuser’s stress. Keep your own emotional distance. Do not take their anger personally, and do not feel obligated to “fix” their mood.  Do not argue, confront, or try to “reason” with the abuser during this phase. Their frustration is often unprocessed, and direct confrontation can lead to an outburst 

• Document the behavior ~ Keep a record of incidents, dates and everything that happened during the Tension-Building Phase, in addition to any other time there is abuse. This can be important if you need to seek help or protection later 

• Protect your safety ~ If you feel unsafe, create a safety plan. This might include knowing where you can go if the situation escalates, having a trusted friend or family member to contact or if you are considering temporary shelter such as staying at a domestic violence shelter. You can also contact a domestic violence hotline or feel free to email us at: Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today

• Preserve your self-worth ~ Remind yourself that your feelings and needs matter. The abuser’s behavior is not your fault, and you are not responsible for their emotional state.

• Consider leaving if safe ~ If you feel the tension is becoming unbearable or you have a plan in place, you may consider leaving the situation. Safety should always be your top priority.

We understand everyone can have a bad day, but when your friends and family start to feel unsafe around you because of your cyclical & destructive behavior, you need to consider changing the way you handle “bad days”.

If you recognize you need help in controlling your behaviors, actions, words and thought life, there are steps you can take to help not only yourself and how you process emotions, but also how you treat others around you….

1. Acknowledge your behavior ~ Recognize that your actions are harmful to both others around you and yourself, even if you do not see them as such. Emotional abuse can include name‑calling, threats, isolation, withholding resources, or demeaning comments. Physical abuse is also unacceptable and requires immediate help if it occurs.

2. Understand the impact ~ Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider how your words or actions made them feel—fear, sadness, confusion, or resentment. Reflect on your own history of abuse, as many abusers have been harmed themselves by others and tend to live out those same behaviors in their own lives.

3. Commit to change ~ You control what you say and do. Decide to stop abusive patterns and replace them with respectful, empathetic communication in order to build up others around you. This does not mean you have to diminish yourself to lift up someone else…it can simply mean a pause and thinking through what you are going to say before you say it (especially when you are really angry). This may involve setting boundaries for yourself, practicing patience and avoiding escalation. Nothing good comes from non-constructive arguing and accusing…so focus on fixing the core problem instead of trying to make yourself feel better in the moment.

4. Manage your emotions ~ Anger, control and resentment can fuel abusive tendences. Learn how to communicate better with others and take an anger management class to learn better techniques for working through tough emotions, such as deep breathing, journaling or mindfulness, to respond calmly instead of reacting impulsively.

5. Seek support ~ Talk to a therapist, counselor or a trusted friend/family member. Support groups for survivors or abusers can provide accountability and guidance.

6. Practice empathy and respect ~ Listen deeply, validate others’ feelings and focus on their needs rather than your own control. While this may feel unnatural and vulnerable for you, the more you decide to trust others by calmly discussing issues instead of manipulating, coercing or controlling others, the more people will want to become closer to you and even enjoy spending time with you. Small, consistent acts of kindness and respect can shift the dynamic.

7. Break the cycle ~ If abuse is part of a recurring pattern, work to interrupt it. This may mean setting firm limits, removing yourself from toxic situations/relationships and resolving past traumas.

8. Take responsibility ~ Apologize sincerely to those you have hurt, and make amends when possible. Accountability is a sign of strength and commitment to change and will make people respect you more than if you treated them badly.

When to seek urgent help ~ If you have a history of physical violence or are in an abusive relationship, contact local domestic violence resources or crisis hotlines immediately.

Bottom line: Stopping abuse starts with honest self‑reflection, emotional regulation, and a willingness to change. With support and persistence, you can replace harmful patterns with healthier, more respectful ways of relating.

As mentioned above, the Tension-Building Phase is the easiest phase for outsiders & friends of victims to witness the perpetrator’s bad behavior. If you have someone in your life that is wanting your feedback on their particular circumstance, be open and willing to help them. Victims often have a hard time asking for help, so if someone is asking for your perspective, please realize that they trust and value your opinion enough to ask for it.

Be ready to be honest…victims need honesty more than anything. Often their abuser plays mind games with them, so brutal honesty may be the best way to help them out of an emotional and/or physically dangerous situation. However, do not make the victim feel worse by suggesting they just “get over it” or asking unhelpful questions like “why don’t you just leave”? Just stick to the facts like what you have personally observed.

Be their safe place ~ When victims are first realizing they need help, they need a strong friend or family member to go to when the circumstances get harder. You can do anything from providing an ear to listen to or giving them a place to stay (safety-appropriate…. Read this article about how to keep a victim of domestic violence safe as their friend).

If you wish to stay updated on No Longer A Victim article publications, send us an email and we will add you to the list. The email address is: Hello@NoLongerAVictim.Today